An assistance forum for parents of children with Aspergers Syndrome and adults with Aspergers.

    i'm 17 and i have just been diagnosed


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    Join date : 2010-11-02

    i'm 17 and i have just been diagnosed

    Post  thedaymyemotionsdied on Tue Nov 02, 2010 11:31 pm

    hi, my name is Savannah. and I've just been diagnosed with aspergers syndrome. I'm not scared or upset, its just like everything else in my life.... something else to deal with. im indifferent, but not only indifferent but indifferent to the fact that im indifferent. im a robot, i have no feelings, i cant describe anger and i don't know how to "feel". The weight has been lifted from my shoulders and now i feel like i can do something with my life. i only found out yesterday and now i have my whole life ahead of me, i feel like testing myself, iv always been a terribly spiritual person, trying to figure out myself and why i have always not cared about being insulted or anything. iv noticed that things I've done in my life were "driven" by something other than what i thought, looking back at my life and now i realize that even thou i have been in some terrible situations i have never "felt" like i was, my childhood was pretty terrible but i have no good OR bad memories. i don't remember my childhood because i didn't care about anything that happened. if something bad happened i never believed it was really that bad so i didn't remember it. i didn't "think" anything was important enough to remember. it wasn't anything, the situations were nothing. im trying to find out what the limitations of this are atm, im testing myself. trying to find out what i can take. i have never cleaned, iv never been good at it. "because the mess didn't bother me at all, i was indifferent to it." today i cleaned today, i detached myself and just cleaned it, it didn't feel like a chore, it wasn't good or bad but i didn't care about doing it. and before, i had my foot in the stream of water as it was getting hotter. i could feel the pain, but i didn't "care" that it hurt. it was irrelevant to me. my mind can function while that doesn't bother me. iv always been quite stubborn and good at putting things to the back of my mind, when i was 16 i was "challenged" to stay quite for as long as possible, i did it, for three and a half hours, while on holiday with my two best friends. i didn't think it was hard at all. i just made my self do it. i never understood other people, or the desire to be "friends" with anyone. iv never had real friends, i don't "feel like i have to hang with them. i don't crave their company or desire them." all my friends have been like accessories. non-essential. I've never had friends but never needed them. normal emotions confuse me, i cant understand how people react the way they do in some situations. i am incredibly good at things such as photography, computers, writing creatively, drawing, painting and most art things, im pretty gifted but i don't care, im not passionate and i don't really "enjoy" much, i just fill my time. i prefer to work in a high stress, fast paced environment, it suits me, and i find that high energy jobs don't faze me at all. when things go wrong i can just fix them, and not worry, i don't get emotionally involved in anything, i can solve problems easily because i don't get all upset. my shrink asked me yesterday how i felt when i was cheated on, and i couldn't answer him, i didn't know. i was pretty OK with it. when ever im put in a situation i don't know what im supposed to feel. when ever im supposed to feel sad i literally stop and ask myself "is this sadness, is this it? is this what sadness feels like?" well i thought it should have been so i just let the thoughts go. iv never really been very involved in other people. i don't associated sex with love, they are so different. i don't feel a "connection" with the people i sleep with. it's not there. i don't love anyone, i don't care about my dad, or my mum, but i know i should so i tried to convince myself that it was real love and that i wasn't missing anything. but i was, so much, i think of everything in terms of a flow chart, like a situation has four options to choose from and i choose the option that will benefit me, or something. i weigh up the options in every situation, i think of the pros and cons. i recently figured out that a social relationship wasn't working out in my favor and had become sour, so i ended it. i just told her that i couldn't "be her friend anymore" but i never feel guilty, or upset for hurting her, i have no remorse or any compassion. i don't have any empathy. I'm a robot, but that's OK with me.

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